Since starting my natural hair journey (accidentally) in 2009, while pregnant with my baby boy Tre, I've had long hair don't care goals. The longest my hair has ever been in my adult life has been to my shoulders and then I see nothing by tangles, breakage, and knots. I would hind my tresses in protective styles that would allow me to live out my hair flipping goals, but as soon as the take down occurred, I would feel completely ugly. It is now 2017 and I've finally gotten over my childish goals, but not before exploring their cause first.
I could say that my hatred for my hair stems from European standards of beauty, but honestly that's not the bulk of it. The last time I cut my hair short, short, was right before I began to date my ex-husband. It was short and fierce. I loved it dearly. I had a design in the back and err'thang. You couldn't tell me anything. But, as soon as I started dating him, he would suggest a sow in, or kinky twists, or anything else... which is fine. There is nothing wrong with it wearing extensions, but the reason behind them wasn't healthy. I told me he hates short hair. That it's ugly, and how he's used to long hair because of his mother and sister. (Side note, his sister and mother's hair barely past their shoulders in the picture's I've seen, and then his mother chopped most of her hair off..... but that's none of my business) Either way, I rarely saw my own hair, and now that it's growing in coily, it's hideous.
Once we were married, it didn't change. I hid my hair constantly, even when I had locs. Can you imagine twisting locs into Senegalese twists? Oh, it's do-able! When ever I took my hair down, I would have to tell him it was coming out a few days in advance so I could prepare him for what he was about to see. If I didn't warn him, he'd get angry. He wouldn't look at me. I'm Cinderella's leftover pumpkin which was once a beautiful carriage until midnight's chime rang its last bell. Rolling eyes, sighs of disgust, and questions on the line of, "when are you going to put your hair back in?", hindered me from enjoying my coils. And it doesn't matter how I wore them. Two strand twists, Bantu knots, curled, twist out, whatever.... UGLY.
This habit of hatred, along with other nasty, self loathing habits, are finally starting to disappear months after I left the controlling and abusive situation. I recently took the plunge to tapper my hair, but afterwards, I put Senegalese twists back into the parts of my hair that I could catch. A few days ago, I asked myself why am I doing this? I believed that I am ugly without them. So, for the next year, I am taking the effort to wear my hair out. I have to get over myself and let it just be me and MY HAIR! .... Short hair, don't care.
Hi! I'm TenishaJonece.